


do it like me

by kmtjo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Protective Mark Lee (NCT), References to Depression, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kmtjo/pseuds/kmtjo
Summary: did you hear? donghyuck has cuts on his wrists.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone 
> 
> this is one of my first ever nct fics. i wasn’t too sure on writing this but writing is my way of escape sometimes so i thought i may as well. 
> 
> this story will contain very distressing topics including struggles with mental illness, suicide and self harm. if you are sensitive to any of these topics please refrain from reading.
> 
> thank you and please leave kudos and comments, constructive criticism is welcomed :)

it's cold and lonely. donghyuck brushes the fallen hair out of his eyes and snivels. he thinks that today will be cold, so he grabs his thickest jumper and pulls the soft material over his head. 

his bathroom light is dim and the air is cold. donghyuck sneezes for the third time that morning, and decides it would be best to probably carry a few tissues around with him. 

he runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it back in hopes it falls into place where he thinks looks half decent. donghyuck is just about to rinse his face with cold water when he hears his phone vibrating from down the hallway of his apartment, and he frowns slightly. 

tumbling out of the bathroom, he shivers at the cold air nipping at his skin, and thinks tomorrow will be colder judging by the harsh winds and light drizzle of rain hitting his window.

he still feels tired. but donghyuck knows by now he should be used to feeling like this. he's walking around his apartment until his foot nudges against his phone on the floor, vibrating silently.  
with trembling fingers donghyuck turns off his alarm and sighs shakily.

he bites his bottom lip, still shivering despite the thick jumper he had put on earlier. glancing around his apartment donghyuck notices his books from last night scattered all over the floor. he bends down, fingers curling around his notebook whilst shutting it gently.

donghyuck holds the book to his chest. it's his favourite notebook which he still writes in. despite the many sheets of white (more like a faded white) paper which donghyuck has filled, he finds there's still emptiness whenever he reads through his words.

he thinks it's okay. he thinks it's okay to write his sadness down to himself where he knows no one will find his out. donghyuck knows that within each night he spends alone blinking back his tears that it's okay. it's okay. 

he coughs quietly, placing his book down next to a small vase of roses. he likes roses. donghyuck thinks they're pretty. he wanders if one day he will be pretty like them too. 

he steps into his kitchen, noticing he doesn't have much in his fridge, but donghyuck makes do with the little ingredients he has left. his stomach rumbles and he pats it lightly. donghyuck feels - tired. hungry. he makes food that could probably feed two, and he eats alone - thinking that it would be nice to be able to eat with another persons company. 

minutes feel like hours. donghyuck knows that if he didn't have college he would stay here all day. he watches as the food in front of him goes cold, and thinks that it would be nice to give the left over food to the kind granma next door. 

standing up with weak legs donghyuck wraps up the left over food he made. rubbing his eyes he turns, picking up his notebook and placing it into his shoulder bag. he glances at the clock and blinks, realising that if he left now he would just make it on time. 

donghyuck places the food into the fridge, deciding to give it to the kind granma later when he returns. he brushes hair out of his eyes and sneezes, ignoring his reflection in the small mirror next to his roses and shakily fumbles around with his black boots placed neatly by his front door. 

he double knots his shoe laces. donghyuck does this so he doesn't trip over them like he did once before in front of nearly his entire college class. 

he blinks harshly, ignoring his thoughts and focuses on making sure he had everything in his bag before he left his apartment. 

donghyuck steps outside, taking the stairs instead of the elevator and digs his hands into his coat pockets. there's a cold breeze, but he doesn't mind. he buries his head further into his collar and breathes out. 

spring. donghyuck thinks spring is beautiful. he remembers waking up to the sun blinding through the gap in his curtains, to when he was younger and his only worries were the small bruises littering his legs. that was when things were good. that was when donghyuck could smile and not feel tears slip down his cheeks. that was when he wasn't alone. 

donghyuck shakes his head, sneezing lightly. he tries to not think about those memories, it makes him think of how bad things are now. snivelling, he brushes the hair out of his eyes, thinking that now his vision will be clear, but it's still a little blurry. donghyuck shakily rubs his eyes, feeling wet stain the pads of his fingers. he didn't want to cry in public.

he ignores the sadness in his chest, and keeps walking up the stone path that leads to his college. it's not a long walk, but donghyuck wishes he could stay outside. he wants to watch the flowers bloom, because then he knows the cold winter has passed.

the days are long but the nights donghyuck spends on his own are longer, and he wanders if this darkness will last forever. 

/

apart from his lessons where he studies the art of writing and literature, donghyuck hates college.

donghyuck remembers shaking and hiding in the bathroom stalls and counting - counting one, two, three, breathe as his body convulsed in fear and thinking when will this end? please stop. the bruises hurt on his skin but nothing hurts as much as the pain and sadness in his heart. donghyuck rocks himself back and forth and buries his head into his knees. he hugs himself and hopes this will be the last time, he hopes he won't have to get hit anymore because is this really living? donghyuck wants to love but what can he do when all there is is hatred around him? 

it's cold and donghyuck shakes. he knows this won't be the last time his body is covered in black and blue but at least he knows this darkness won't last forever. 

will it? -

he sinks back into his chair, the classroom is loud but donghyuck only tries to focus on his writing pad in front of him. he likes writing, and he wanders that if he wasn't able to write, would he not like anything about himself at all? 

he breathes out, his finger traces the edge of his writing pad then stops. he bag is placed next to his chair, where his other notebook is. donghyuck eyes widen, watching all the other students walk through the door. he keeps his eyes on his bag, reaching forwards to grab a pen.

before he can reach his pen a foot roughly nudges the edge of his bag. donghyuck watches as his pens and notebook slide across the floor. he flinches, hand stopped mid air and he's shaking. he can feel himself begin to shake badly. he clenches his fingers, bringing them to his body.

donghyuck presses a hand to his face. his face is warm and he knows his cheeks are flushed red. blinking against his tears, he waits for the laughter in the classroom to die down. donghyuck wishes he wasn't here.

he eyes his notebook on the floor, picking it up with shaking hands and tries not to cry. his notebook was the only thing his mother gave him before she had to go. donghyuck didn't want her to go. 

he snivels. donghyuck picks up the rest of his pens and puts his bag underneath his desk. he rubs at his face, hoping that somehow the tears would stop spilling down his cheeks. but they never stop.

they never stopped.

donghyuck sighs out in relief and steps into the bookstore. 

he loves it here. he resonates in the silence and the calmness the small space brings to him. he's always loved it being quiet, it meant he didn't have to talk much. 

from the corner of his eye donghyuck can see the bookstore owner step out from one of the aisles, giving donghyuck a warm smile. the bookstore owner is a kind old man, who gave donghyuck the chance to stay late and work whilst looking after the store. donghyuck smiles at him. he's glad he doesn't get him to talk if he doesn't want to. he doesn't get angry or frustrated at him like other people do.

donghyuck sits down at the small wooden desk at the far end of the store. it's beginning to get dark outside and he rubs at his wrists out of comfort. placing his notebook and pen out in front of him donghyuck hopes no one will come in. the bookstore doesn't get many visitors later on in the evening, and it gives him a chance to write in peace. 

he reaches out and opens his notebook, fingers still shaking so he clenches his hands in an attempt to stop them. he blinks past tired eyes and picks up his pen, hoping that maybe he'll get lost in his words and not return. 

the light above donghyuck flickers, and it's at this moment where his pen runs out of ink. donghyuck frowns and thinks he'll have to go and buy more pens tomorrow. he brushes hair out of his eyes and sneezes, not realising the sound of the door opening until a dark figure was waking around the bookstore.

donghyuck gulps thickly, he knows he should ask the person if they need any help but he can't help with his anxiety. with shaky legs donghyuck stands up, his face begins to feel warm and he hopes the person is kind.

before donghyuck could move the person walks towards his desk. he stands still, the person, who was a male, also holds an old book in one hand which he had picked up. 

donghyuck for some reason finds himself staring. he forgets to blink until the familiar feeling of tears against his lashes forces him to shut his eyes. the boy - donghyuck thinks might be the same age as him, looks familiar too. he breathes softly and smiles, eyeing the book in his hands.

"that book is really good." donghyuck says. his voice is not loud but he is proud of himself for not stuttering or messing up his words. 

the boy smiles, rubbing his thumb over the front cover of the book. "is it? i've always wanted to read it," he explains, and donghyuck finds himself relaxing slightly. "i've looked everywhere for it." 

it's now donghyuck realises that the boy was from his college. he wasn't in the same class as him, but often saw him outside on his own at the same bench, a camera usually in his hands. donghyuck thinks that like writing, photography is beautiful too. 

donghyuck smiles, and this time it feels genuine. the bookstore feels warmer and donghyuck isn't shaking as much. he watches as the boy brings out his wallet and raises an eyebrow. 

"no - it's okay. take it. bring it back when you've finished it." donghyuck says. he picks up the book placed in front of his own notebook and places it into the boy's warm hands. 

"oh, thank you... -?" the boy asks for his name. he holds the book closer to his chest and smiles. 

"donghyuck." he mumbles. donghyuck a voice is quieter than the boys when he replies. before he could open his mouth to speak again, a voice cut him off.

"i'm minhyung." he says throughout the silence of the bookstore. donghyuck looks up again, hair falling across his forehead and into his eyes. he hears a warm laugh coming from minhyung before he smiles once more, turning to the store entrance.

minhyung brings his hand up to wave at donghyuck before walking through the door, and donghyuck suddenly feels a lot more colder now he was on his own. 

he sighs, coughing lightly into his sleeve. donghyuck tries not to think about how he looks, how worn out and tired he must have seemed and wishes tonight maybe he'll get some sleep.

when donghyuck begins to pack up his books he finds himself hoping minhyung comes again. that maybe after he's finished reading the book he will visit again at night when donghyuck is his loneliest. he shakes his head, frowning to himself. of course minhyung would return, he had let him borrow the book. 

donghyuck turns off the last light in the bookstore and makes his way out to the front. he shuts the front door securely with the spare key he has and shivers against the cold of the night. donghyuck wraps his arms around his body and thinks this will maybe protect him from the cold a little more. his shoulders shake. he just wants to lie down. 

the walk to his apartment was cold but nice, the silence always gives donghyuck time to think. he unlocks his front door and presses his hands to his cheeks, they're cold compared to the warmth of his face and he trembles. 

donghyuck stumbles around the darkness of his apartment and breathes heavily through his stuffy nose. he slips off his shoes, blinking against the blackness of the night. tomorrow, he wanders if it will be colder. 

hanging his coat up next to his apartment door he yawns, his feet drag against the soft carpet to his bedroom where he undresses. he puts on his warmest jumper and socks then goes to pick up his toothbrush in the bathroom, not bothering to turn the light on. 

donghyuck repeats the same routine every night and he wanders when he won't have to do it anymore. he can't fight the feeling of fatigue that presses down on his chest as he walks to his bed, he bends down and picks up the blankets placed neatly underneath and walks to his living room. 

laying down on the sofa donghyuck wraps the blankets around himself and stares at the TV which was now playing a movie from the other night. he feels tired and lonely and he should be sad but he's not. he thinks it's sad that he's used to feeling this way. 

he feels numb. donghyuck turns over in his sleep and hopes tomorrow will be a better day.

donghyuck blinks against the coldness of his apartment, his limbs feel stiff and his nose feels stuffy. stretching out his limbs in an attempt to shake away the feeling of fatigue setting in his bones, he places a warm hand against his aching tummy. donghyuck frowns, rubbing the soft skin in an attempt to soothe the uncomfortable feeling. he guesses it's because he didn't eat anything last night. 

his apartment is cold and the sun has barely risen, the golden streaks from its light slipping past the poorly hung blinds. donghyuck feels the warmth against his face and thinks maybe it isn't so bad to wake up at this sort of time - it was around 6:00am, the city was quiet and he liked it this way. 

it's now that donghyuck notices the small headache he possesses, and he knows he must've caught a small cold from being out in the cold so late at night. 

the sun continues to rise, it shines and donghyuck feels happy knowing today the flowers will blossom underneath the suns tender touch. he hopes it won't rain too much today.

donghyuck stumbles back over to the couch, his body indented into the material where he slept through the cold and lonely night. he folds his blankets with shaky fingers and attempts to ignore the flush of his cheeks, feeling warmth arise to the skin painting them red. he wishes he didn't blush so often. 

placing the blankets away donghyuck once again repeats the same routine. he repeats the same routine each night and each morning until it was scarred into his skin, until he didn't know any different. 

he has a quick shower, the water running soothingly over his aching body. he runs his fingers down his chest, feeling each bump and ridge beneath his skin. the water soon runs cold.

stepping out of the shower, donghyuck attempts to ignore his reflection in the mirror. he stumbles a little bit, gripping the bathroom counter to steady himself. the bathroom is dimly lit and he keeps his gaze trained to the floor whilst he prepares himself for the rest of the day. 

slipping on a plain black jumper and black jeans donghyuck steps towards his plants by his window, smiling softly. he grabs the little watering can settled beside them and begins to water them, eyes gazing upon his favourite flowers. 

he puts down the now empty watering can, making his way over to his fridge. he remembers that he has the fresh food from yesterday kept preserved for the granma who lives next door. donghyuck ignores the rumble of his tummy as picks up the contained food, placing it in a small bag and leaving a note to say it was from him, and walks out of his apartment to the one next to his. he knocks on the old granmas door and places the covered food carefully on the floor. 

he slips back into his apartment, shutting his door softly. donghyuck tells himself he will eat later. he looks around his apartment, taking in the bare walls and glancing at the clock, sighing in relief when he notices he has a little while until he has to go to college. 

donghyuck eyes his college bag laying against the floor from where he dropped it the previous night. he picks it up, holding it against his chest and takes his notebook out of it. 

too much time to think. donghyuck didn't mind waking up early - to take care of his plants, see the sun arising above the city buildings. see how night slowly bleeds into day. but it left donghyuck alone with his thoughts in the emptiness and loneliness of his apartment, and it's now donghyuck wishes he was still asleep. he hopes he can sleep throughout the days and the nights. 

he looks at his notebook blankly, staring at the cover. when donghyuck holds his book, he thinks of his mum. his chest deepens with what donghyuck knows is sadness, his eyes feel heavy and he can't see properly. donghyuck wipes away at his cheeks, until his fingers feel wet from the tears spilling down his cheeks. he wishes he didn't cry so easily.

he feels weak, so weak. but that isn't any different from other days. he feels like he's surrounded in thick black, murky clouds, dark and unforgiving. it suffocates him and doesn't let him breathe. he lets the tears roll down his cheek until they hit his notebook, falling against a page which was decorated with drawings of flowers, his favourite flowers. he traces his finger over the delicate sketches and reads the words of despair and saudade written down on the bottom of the page. 

donghyuck looks at his notebook and sees nothing but loneliness and that's what he feels. he can feel the soft texture of the page beneath his fingers but it's nothing compared to the razor sharp feeling of sadness and melancholy swimming within his lungs and donghyuck finds it sad that all he has is his notebook, donghyuck loves to write but it's all he has, he doesn't have anyone. each night he lays awake staring up at his ceiling alone with tears in his eyes and he wanders if anyone is doing the same, if anyone is hurting like he is. he is alone and always will be - 

donghyuck feels numb. his mind dangerously heavy with thoughts that make his lips tremble. and he wanders when everything began to fall apart. 

/

gripping the strap of his bag he focused his vision to the cold unforgiving ground, his black boots kicking small stones with each step he made. his tummy still hurts, and donghyuck wishes it would stop. he wishes it would all stop. 

he shakes his head, glancing down at his phone. the corridors in his college are mostly empty, to which donghyuck is thankful. his classes don't start for another 30 minutes, so he decides to make his way to the library.

donghyuck snivels, his mind feels heavy and he wishes he could lie down. he can feel his breathing become heavy, anxiety licks at his skin and paints his features red. he turns a corner, only to be met with a solid chest and a hand grabbing his collar. his breath hitches and donghyuck feels like he can't breathe, he can't, he gasps out in pain at the sudden tug and he's suddenly being dragged down the corridor and shoved into a spare room. 

he stumbles over his own feet, meeting the darkness of the room. why, why? why me, please no- 

donghyuck shakes violently, his back hitting the cold wall and he doesn't have time to cry out in pain from the way his head slams against the wall because there's a rough hand grabbing his shirt once again, slapping his cheek. 

he hiccups, his group of tormentors sniggering in the dark of the room and donghyuck doesn't understand how someone can find another persons pain amusing. he doesn't understand it, he doesn't and he can't breathe, he can't, what have i done? it hurts, it hurts so much. please, stop - please, this isn't fair - my heart, it hurts. it hurts so much and i can't take it anymore. stop hitting me, stop-

donghyuck can't focus, his mind is screaming at him and he wants it to be silent, donghyuck wants everything to stop but it doesn't because there's a rough fist against his left cheek, hitting just underneath his eye. the soft skin splits. 

donghyuck cries out in pain, hand clamming over his mouth to silence his cries. he bites down on his trembling bottom lip and barely feels the hands pushing him down to the cold floor until he's suddenly alone, and donghyuck finds it sad that he thinks this pain doesn't compare to the pain within his head - to the hatred inside of himself that feeds off his fears and drinks his sadness whilst stripping him bare. 

he snivels, tears now dripping down his cheek and mixing in with the blood beneath his eye. it's cold and lonely, donghyuck sits against the cold floor and tucks his knees to his chest, hiding his face into his knees, he rocks back and forth gently. 

he mumbles, mumbles "please, please stop." to no one. because there isn't anyone. no ones here; no one is ever here. donghyuck is alone, and he always will be, he trembles and keeps on mumbling but no one replies and he cries harder, the unbearable sadness becoming overwhelming and it scares him. 

donghyuck tries to stop shaking but he can't - he continues to rock back and forth trying to soothe himself but it doesn't work. he sighs out shakily, lifting his weak head and wiping at his cheeks. 

donghyuck knows there will be a bruise by his cheek, but he thinks he can't look any worse anyway. 

donghyuck feels himself shiver despite sitting in the warmth of the bookstore, he leans his head carefully against his cheek, careful to miss his sore bruise. 

when he had finally found the strength to stand up earlier, his cheek hurt too much and his head ached with putrid thoughts so he decided to make his way straight to the book store. 

the owner didn't say anything as donghyuck shakily walked in, sitting himself somewhere in the corner of the store behind a large bookshelf. donghyuck was staring at his blood covered fingertips when a small tube of antiseptic cream was placed on the table in front of him. 

a few hours later, donghyuck had carefully dabbed some antiseptic cream over the cut and sat reading his book, occasionally drawing some flowers in his notebook. it was quiet in the bookstore, which he was thankful for. he wished it would be quiet in his mind as well. 

he shakes his head slightly, his fringe - which he's glad he now hasn't cut, falls over where the red and purple bruise blossoms. he knows this will take some time to fade. donghyuck knows this because he's used to it. 

as donghyucks shift starts, he does his best to sort out the income of new books whilst rearranging and ordering them upon the shelves. he's glad it isn't busy tonight, and hopes there won't be many people coming in. 

he keeps himself busy. he keeps himself distracted. donghyuck does this because he knows as soon as he's wrapped in between the suffocating walls of his apartment, all he's going to be able to breathe and taste and feel is the unbearable loneliness that claws at his skin and drains him of his words. he wanders how many more nights he will have to endure.

as the hours go by donghyuck watches as the sun slowly sets, and day bleeds into night. he thinks that the sun loves the moon, who dies every night to let the moon breathe. but they can't collide. they will never collide. 

he feels his eyes droop, slowly fluttering shut with each passing second. his head feels heavy in his hand, but donghyuck is so deep into sleeps grasp that he barely notices the door opening. 

abruptly, he sits up, removing his hand from his cheek. he feels his cheeks warm, quickly shaking his fringe so it once again falls against his bruise - covering it only slightly. 

he coughs, nose feeling stuffy and he sniffles. donghyucks eyes widen upon realising who it is, and suddenly his hand is back on his cheek, covering his bruise completely. donghyuck thinks he must look awful. 

it was minhyung who walked in. he had a soft smile on his face which radiated warmth and a calmness - a feeling which donghyuck had not felt in a while. 

in his hands is the book which donghyuck had given him the other day. he didn't think his eyes could widen any further, but they did. although the book wasn't considerably long, he was surprised to find that minhyung had already finished it. 

minhyung slowly walks up to the front desk, raising an eyebrow whilst his eyes gaze along donghyuck figure. 

"hey. tired?"

minhyung says, but donghyuck notices that there isn't any malice to his voice at all. his voice was kind, which donghyuck think suits him. his hair - which was a dark, rich colour which compliments his caramel toned skin, is a nice length that dusts just over his eyes. 

one thing donghyuck notes is that minhyung looked very tired this evening. maybe he was having trouble sleeping like donghyuck was too. 

shaking his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts donghyuck feels warmth rush to his cheeks, and he internally curses. he presses his hand further against his bruise until his eyes begin to water, and he forces himself to speak.

"y-you read the book already?" 

donghyuck mumbles, hoping to change the subject. minhyungs smile widens, and he nods gently. he places the book down in front of donghyuck and then turns to look through the book shelves. 

minhyung places a finger to his lips and then turns to donghyuck, a somewhat timid expression on his face before asking, "mind recommending me another book?" 

for a few seconds donghyuck doesn't say anything, until the soft sound of minhyung mumbling his name pulls him out of his daze. donghyuck looks up and meets minhyungs eyes, and despite the heavy and vile voices in his head, telling him that he deserves the blood that splatters across his cheek - he reassures himself that minhyung won't hurt him. 

he's been quiet for too long, and donghyuck can feel himself shake. he nods and stands up, dropping his hand against his side and donghyuck hopes that the poor lighting in the room manages to mask the purple and red that kiss his skin. 

"sure." donghyuck whispers, not even sure if minhyung had heard him. he walks over to the far end of the book store, where he was sitting earlier. he runs a hand through his hair before tracing a finger along one of the shelves, picking out a tattered book  
which had years of wear and tear painted on it. it was a book that was clearly loved by many. 

admittedly, it was one of donghyucks favourite books. he finds that when he reads his mind wanders to a safe place, and for a few hours his mind isn't filled with black, black, black.

donghyuck briefly skims over what the book is about, and with each point he makes minhyung nods his head in genuine interest. when their eyes meet, donghyuck finds it hard to look away. 

and for a brief moment, donghyuck thinks he sees sadness glaze over in minhyungs eyes upon trailing to the side of donghyucks cheek. staring at the poorly covered, recent bruise against his skin. 

donghyuck quickly looks down, hoping he hadn't been caught staring for too long. 

he shuffles nervously on his feet. donghyuck is tired and wants to sleep, sleep a dreamless night and hopefully wake up without dried tears against his cheeks. to wake up and not have the bruise against his cheek, for it to all be one big nightmare.

minhyungs presence gives donghyuck a small sense of security. his genuine interest and warm smile gives donghyuck the impression that maybe not everything in the world is so bad. 

after a few moments of silence, minhyung reaches forward and gently takes the book from donghyucks grasp. his fingers barely brush against donghyucks own but he could feel the warmth coming from minhyungs skin, but maybe that was just because donghyuck was cold - his heart was cold, his mind was cold everything was cold, so cold and unforgiving but minhyung was warm. so warm. 

donghyuck makes his way over to the front where he once again writes down minhyungs name, his hands are shaking but minhyung doesn't rush him. he's patient and waits, waits until donghyuck hands him a small slip of paper with a small smile. 

donghyuck notices how minhyung, although his eyes kind, doesn't return the smile. instead donghyuck thinks he looks sad. 

his chests deepens. did he do something wrong? donghyuck breathes out heavily, and he doesn't realise he's shaking until minhyung places a warm hand over his own and he stills.

"i hope you heal fast and do not hurt anymore. thank you for recommending me another book, donghyuck."

minhyung says, and before donghyuck can reply minhyung is smiling at him and making his way to the exit, stepping into the darkness of the night. 

donghyuck doesn't move, he can still feel the warmth of minhyungs hand against his own. he wants to tell him that it hurts, he always hurts and he wants it to stop, he wants it to go away but it doesn't. 

he wants to tell someone that he doesn't understand why he gets hit and have bruises adorn his chin and forehead. donghyuck swallows thickly in the coldness of the night and silence of the room and it all comes down on him, he's now alone. he struggles to breathe and the anxiety which licks at his skin and lives within his blood weakens his legs. he doesn't want to go back to his apartment. 

donghyuck stumbles home in the dark and hopes to get lost on his way back. 

/

his apartment is pitch black when donghyuck walks through the door. he shuffles inside, his body shaking from a mixture of the cold and the anxiety which is filling up his lungs with each passing second. 

today's events flood donghyucks mind and he feels his bottom lip tremble, his cheek aches and donghyuck didn't think he had anymore tears to cry but he was wrong, the tears never stopped. he doesn't understand why, donghyuck wants answers but he never gets any. he's sad, so sad and it's becoming unbearable. 

he thinks he's been standing in the same place for the past 10minutes, face blank but mind dangerously filled with blue and black thoughts. donghyuck finally places his bag down on the floor, and releases a quiet sob into the darkness of his apartment. 

he cries, he cries and his chest hurts with each sob which slithers up his throat and makes him feel dizzy. his head spins and he can't hear anything over the sound of his own despair and pain.

donghyuck drops to the floor, it's cold and unforgiving. he can't breathe, his body shakes and trembles. donghyuck brings his hands up to his face and sobs into his palms, attempting to silence his cries. 

he's alone, he's always been alone and he wishes someone was there. donghyuck wants to love but what can he do when all there is is hatred around him. he thinks back to what minhyung said, i hope you don't hurt anymore. 

i hope you don't hurt anymore. i hope you don't hurt-

he hiccups, wiping his cheeks furiously. most nights donghyuck feels numb, some days are better than the others. but then there are days when donghyucks lungs feel like they're filled with fire and his tears feel like acid dripping against his skin. 

there are some days, where donghyuck paints his skin the same colour as the red roses which sit on his window seal and it makes him feel a little bit better. 

his cheek feels cool against the floor, soothing his burning head. he feels dizzy and donghyuck thinks for a second he's going to vomit, and the feeling intensifies when another sob racks through his body. 

he stumbles up, making his way into his bedroom. he takes off his jacket and falls straight against the white sheets on top of his bed. like every night, donghyuck wishes he wasn't alone. his tears trail down his cheeks and wet the pillow beneath him, and donghyuck wanders what minhyung would think if he saw him like this.

he curls in on himself, and lies there hoping for a dreamless sleep.


	2. 2

the first thing donghyuck does when he wakes up is gently run his fingers along his cheek. the swelling of his bruise has gone down but he knows his skin is blotched with red and purple. 

his tears from the previous night have dried uncomfortably on his skin and donghyuck subconsciously curls his hands towards his face, wanting to go back to sleep and not have to deal with the day. 

when donghyuck finally decides to stand up he stumbles a little bit, leaning against his wall. his head feels dizzy and his stomach lurches with each breath he takes. he searches around the room for his phone and when he grabs it he calls his college immediately, letting them know with a small voice that he won't be in today. 

unlike most mornings donghyuck woke up a little later than usual today, and he guesses it's because of how much he had tired himself yesterday. 

donghyuck remembers the never ending flow of tears and the fire which burned his throat with each cry that left his lips, the unbearable sadness that clawed at his skin and stripped him until he was bare and vulnerable. donghyuck remembers being alone. it's all he remembers. it's all he knows.

he cringes to himself, stepping out of his clothes which he had fallen asleep in. he didn't have college the next day, and then it was the weekend. donghyuck hopes that his bruise would have faded a lot by when he next has to go to college.

he has a quick shower and then steps into the small living room of his apartment, walking over to his flowers and smiling softly. he picks up the small watering can and begins to water the plants, and for a moment donghyuck feels at peace. 

the weather today is sunny. there are few clouds in the sky and donghyuck thinks it would be nice to go for a walk, anything to get away from the silence of his apartment. as he sets down the watering can donghyuck frowns, he notices his roses are beginning to wilt. it's colour deepening and petals becoming increasingly weaker. 

donghyuck snivels and pushes the hair out of his face, deciding that on his walk later he will pick up some roses on the way. 

his college bag is strewn across his floor somewhere, and when he spots it he carefully picks it up and places it on his sofa. he reaches for his notebook, and opens it on the page he was on last. donghyuck remembers panic, the page radiates anxiety and he knows he wrote this when he was having one of his bad days. 

there are various types of flowers decorating the corners of the page from where donghyuck let his pencil wander, and he traces his finger over where the paper had been previously dampened. his tears bleed into the paper and feed the flowers. on the page is written; 

"breathing is hard. when you cry so much, it makes you realize that breathing is hard."

when donghyuck turns the next page to a blank page he pauses, his chest is tight and he hopes this feeling will go away. he picks up his pen with shaking hands and writes;

'my soul craves a love that's undeniably real.  
i want to experience   
why we are here on earth.'

—

donghyuck steps out of his apartment and down the hallway. he's wearing one of his favourite coats, it's long and black and even though it's sunny donghyuck knows there will be a cold breeze in the air. 

shaking his head donghyuck allows his hair to feather over his eyes, falling over his bruise. he soon thinks doing that is useless, although, because as soon as he steps outside the merciless winds kiss his skin and blow the hair out of his face. he shivers, the wind is cold and unforgiving when it clings time donghyucks shaking figure. 

donghyuck keeps his head down, eyes trained on the way his black boots hit the ground with each step and thinks about the fact that they are getting a little too small for him. he can't afford new shoes at the moment so he deals with it. 

he inhales deeply, the cold air making his throat tickle. he hides his cold hands away in his pockets and resonates in the way the sun reflects of his face, a certain comfort and warmth flushes over him. spring has always been his favourite season. 

donghyuck carries on walking until he reaches the small flower stall. it's run by an elderly lady who always greets him with a kind smile, and knows donghyuck always buys roses so prepares them for him. 

he smiles shyly, reaching for his wallet and handing over the money for the roses. the lady ties lace around the roses to keep them together and passes them to donghyuck. 

donghyuck waves her goodbye and begins to walk back, but before he can walk any further he decides to take a slightly different route home so he can stay outside for a little bit longer. he holds the roses carefully, so he doesn't accidentally tear his skin against the thorns. 

he makes the most of being outside, walking past the small fields littered with blossoming flowers and appreciating the beauty which was nature itself. donghyuck finds peace in few things but he finds purity and serenity within each blade of grass and softness of each flower petal. 

he takes a turn and begins to walk down a small road, stumbling across a small cafe which was hidden from the busy roads. donghyuck had never been inside the cafe before, but from what he could see it was quite busy.

donghyuck stands and watches people drink their drinks and talk to whoever was opposite them. the cafe isn't big but donghyuck think it looks very cosy. each person he sees has a smile on their face, he can almost hear the laughter from where he's standing. 

donghyuck hopes that one day he will be able to laugh and smile like that again. he blinks, his eyes sting and donghyuck tells himself that it's the wind that is making his eyes water and not the insufferable loneliness he suddenly feels. 

donghyuck is about to start walking again until a harsh bump against his shoulder jolts his whole body. he stumbles and his flowers fall from his grasp and drop to the floor. 

he can feel his cheeks going red as he stares down at the floor in shock, barely registering someone telling him to 'move out of the way.'

donghyuck feels his body shake, his fingers tremble against his chest and his shoulder hurts from where he was bumped into. when he finally snaps out of it he bends down and picks up his flowers. donghyuck notices they are a bit dirty from when he dropped them and carefully brushes away the dirt with his fingers. 

his heart hurts. nothing goes right for him. suddenly the cafe isn't in front of him anymore and he's turning and walking back to his lonely apartment. he wants to cry but he's in public, so he forces himself to not. 

his bottom lip wobbles, pressing the roses closer to his chest and gripping the roses tightly. he ignores how the thorns now dig into his soft skin and make him bleed. the colour of his hands now blending in well with the colour of the roses. 

—

donghyuck wakes up to the rapid beating of his own chest. his eyes widen and he breathes deeply. it's freezing in his apartment and the covers that hide his body to little to protect him from the temperature. he shivers, curling in on himself.

shutting his eyes, donghyuck attempts to go back to sleep. he can tell the sun is not going to rise for a little while longer and wants to go back to feeling and experiencing nothing. 

but donghyuck finds himself turning nearly every 15 seconds. he sighs out in frustration and runs his hands down his face in desperation and irritation. 

he lifts the covers and makes his way over to his bathroom. he turns on the barely working light and places his palms against the sink to steady his sleep plagued body. donghyuck shakes his head, hair falls across his forehead and itches his nose, reminding him he needed to get his hair cut. 

he feels weak, and donghyuck guesses it's because he hasn't eaten anything since yesterday's lunch. he runs a cold hand through his hair and splashes water against his face in hopes to wake him up a little bit more. 

his finger tips sting, and donghyuck notices the small dents of red that litter the soft skin from where he gripped the stems of the roses. apart from that, everything else was numb. 

the bathroom light flickers and breaks donghyuck out of his trance. he glances at his reflection in the mirror and notices his bruise has faded considerably. it had been a few days since the incident but donghyuck will still have to make sure his hairs covering his cheek most of the time. 

he feels his eyes begin to water without realising. they sting whilst a tear dribbles down his cheek. he's tired, so tired and all donghyuck wants to do is sleep. but he knows there's no use in trying. the thoughts in his head are too loud. 

stepping out of his bathroom donghyuck makes his way over to his poor excuse of a kitchen. he makes himself some coffee with half open eyes and with limbs that feel like lead. his mind is heavy and clouded. 

donghyuck sits down on his sofa and grabs a blanket underneath the small coffee table. he wraps it around himself and donghyuck resonates in the warmth it brings him. he's not felt warmth for a while. 

he turns on his TV and stares blankly at the screen. donghyuck attempts to engross himself in the film he chose but his mind cant help but wander, and before donghyuck realises there's faint streaks of lights appearing through the gaps of his blinds. a lot of time must have passed jungkook thinks. 

he shakily stands, walking over to his window. he raises his blinds and sees the soft colours of orange and yellow appear from the horizon. donghyuck watches with big eyes as the sun emerges from the buildings. he sneezes and his eyes water feom the sudden bright light. 

donghyuck washes up his coffee mug and decides to have a shower. he has college today and won't deny the anxiety swimming in his chest. 

when donghyuck walks back into his living room he advances over to his roses and waters them, he hopes it will be sunny today but by the grey clouds now appearing in the sky but he doesn't think that will happen. 

he spots one of his beanies in his apartment and pulls it over his head, it sits just above his eyes and he hopes it will shield him from the cold winds outside. 

—

as soon as the bell rings signalling the beginning of lunch, everyone apart from donghyuck rushes to stand up and exit the classroom. he slowly puts away his notebook and pen, allowing people to leave before him. 

donghyuck didn't have any lessons after college so he decides to go straight home. he isn't working at the bookstore today and the fatigue donghyuck feels is beginning to become unbearable. he wants to sleep. 

he yawns, waiting a little longer until the hallways had also quietened down. donghyuck stays out of people's way and exits the college. 

obviously luck isn't ever on donghyuck side. it seems that as soon as he steps outside the rain begins to fall, it drips down donghyucks skin and clings to his hair. 

donghyuck sighs, he begins to jog whilst pathetically covering his face with his hands in an attempt to shield his eyes. 

the rain begins to fall harder. it feels painful against donghyucks pale skin. his shoes begin to fill with water and he's soaked, his clothes clinging to the outline of his body. donghyuck cringes. 

when it soon begins to get unbearable donghyuck spots a tree and quickly runs under it. he stumbles, nearly falling face first to the ground which is now being covered in small hail stones. donghyuck doesn't understand the weather in seoul.

donghyuck breathes heavily in an attempt to regain his breath. he feels like crying, and he's sure he is. but at least the rain will mix in with his tears. 

the tree does little to protect donghyucks body, he shivers and shakes and rubs at his red eyes. he doesn't want to get ill, but he's so cold donghyuck wouldn't be suprised if he woke up the next day with a temperature and a runny nose. 

donghyuck shakily reaches for his phone, he checks the time through his cracked screen from where he dropped it a little while ago and doesn't notice the footsteps now standing in front of him until someone clears their throat, and suddenly the harsh downpour of rain stops. 

the rain stops but the coldness and sadness doesn't go away. it will always be there and it won't leave him, it won't- 

he stares down at the persons shoes, he's worried they're here to hurt him but when he looks up he sees minhyung standing in front of him, holding an umbrella above their heads. 

donghyuck blinks, he's sure his eyes are red and he looks awful. he keeps quiet, because that's what he’s best at. 

"didn't read the weather forecast today?" minhyung jokes lightly. donghyuck doesn't speak, too caught up in his own emotions and the slight tremble of his teeth from the unbearable cold. 

when it's clear donghyuck isnt going to say anything, minhyung coughs into the back of his hand before saying, "come on. i'll walk you home."

before donghyuck can protest minhyung begins to walk down the pathway. he stands still for a few seconds before eagerly running next to minhyung once again underneath the umbrella. 

they walk in comfortable silence. donghyuck only speaks when he gives directions to his house and when he tells minhyung the short cuts he's discovered to get to his apartment. 

minhyung hums softly whenever silence fills the gaps between them. donghyuck notices how close they are and thinks to himself that this is the closest he's been to anyone in a while. 

when donghyucks apartment building comes into view they find shelter near the entrance. they're both noticeably shivering and suddenly donghyuck feels immensely bad for making minhyung walk home with him. 

"i-, thank you for walking back with me." donghyuck mumbles, his voice is quiet and his clothes stick to him uncomfortably.

minhyung shakes his head, "what sort of person would i be to leave you in the rain?"

a bad one. but you aren't a bad person.

donghyuck thinks. but he doesn't say.

donghyuck manages to smile, and the memory of the other day at the bookstore awakens in his mind. "do you like the book i recommended you the other day?"

at that minhyung raises an eyebrow in what donghyuck thinks is disgust, and he thinks he just should've kept his mouth shut. he shouldn't have said anything, no one wants to hear him speak anyway this was already too good to be true- 

but minhyung, instead just smiles and seems amused by donghyucks words. 

"it's really interesting, so far. i've not had that much time to read it. but i like it." 

donghyuck nods, he's happy the books he likes minhyung also finds interest in too. 

minhyung gently reminds donghyuck to bring an umbrella with him whenever the weather is looking gloomy next, and with that he turns around and leaves, leaving donghyuck to stand outside his apartment building with red cheeks and cold hands.


End file.
